Goodfellas
by causeway-bay
Summary: Another story from my continuation of the show. Set in 1994 as part of Season 10, an old friend of Tony's shows up. It's an homage to one of my favourite actors, too.


AUTHOR'S NOTE: Two things, dear Reader. First, screenplay slang is easy enough to understand. Stephen King once wrote that it is simple (which is true) and that it exists mainly, in his opinion, to make the people who write screenplays feel like lodge-brothers (which is equally true). My use of it differs only marginally from the standard; you should be aware, however, that CU means "close-up", ECU means "extreme close-up", O.S. means "off-screen", V.O. means "voice-over", a TITLE CARD is a text on the screen, PRELUDE is a big word to say "teaser", and SLAM CUT is another lodge-brothers thing, but essentially it's the same as a cut. Easy, right !? Second, I'd like to apologise for what is surely going to be a rather lengthy introduction. The following teleplay is part of my continuation of WTB, set in 1994 as part of Season 10. Although the teleplay could be enjoyed without any thorough knowledge of how things evolved after "Savour The Veal", I'm going to add an overview for those of you who want to enter the story being familiar with the background. Thank you.

INTRODUCTION: It is 1994, a little less than two years after (the real) Season 8 of WTB ended. Things are somewhat different, now that events in "Savour the Veal" are an item of the past. For one, Sam's marriage with Hank didn't work out the way fairy-tale inventors favour such things to develop. A constant subject underlying the end of (the virtual) Season 9 and the first half of (the equally virtual) Season 10 was Sam's struggle to keep their love alive, which, for various reasons, came to nothing. Ultimately, in the final episode before the Christmas break of Season 10, they split up. Sam moved out, not sure whether to file for divorce or not. The family's reaction to her breaking up with Hank didn't really help matters, and especially Tony proved unable to get level with his daughter. Angela showed goodwill, but even with her "experience" in this matter was unequipped to relieve Sam of her heavy burden. In this inauspicious situation, it was Jonathan who became Sam's Father Confessor and indispensable source of consolation.  
(Hey, wait a minute. What about The Story of Tony and Angela ?) Okay, cut in T&A. After "Savour the Veal" our two favourites quite quickly concluded that another go for marriage best be kept for a time way into the future. So they're living as an unmarried couple, and it's great fun to watch Catholic Tony and Wasp Angela clash over this matter time and again. Tony himself has seen another teaching job come and go, and is currently "enjoying" his traditional housekeeping duties. Angela's agency, meanwhile, has done well and thanks to CEO Bower keeps growing into a highly profitable ad company in the environment of the boom years that were those of the Clinton/Gore-administration. (Alright, good to know they're alive and well...)  
So here we are. The TV is running. Have fun.

* * *

**WHO'S THE BOSS – created by Blake Hunter and Martin Cohan**

**Episode #236 – GOODFELLAS**

**story and teleplay by causeway bay**

**Cast:  
Tony Danza as Tony Micelli  
Judith Light as Angela Bower  
Alyssa Milano as Samantha Micelli  
Danny Pintauro as Jonathan Bower  
and Katherine Helmond as Mona Robinson**

**Special Guest Star:  
Joe Pesci as Giovanni "Joey" di Lorenzo**

* * *

**PRELUDE  
FADE IN TO  
****INT. THE KITCHEN**

We see SAMANTHA sitting at the kitchen table, writing in her diary. Her voice comes from the off.

SAM (V.O.)  
Dear diary. Last week I had some of the funniest days in a while. Ever since my marriage with Hank crashed  
I've felt that joy was something that only exists hidden behind a closed door for which I have no keys. But that  
was only until a fortnight ago. That was when the new phone rang for the first time...

**DISSOLVE TO  
INT. THE BOWER LIVING-ROOM**

We see the telephone in ECU. The latest AT&T model, with built-in digital answering machine and all the other fancy stuff that makes life worth living. (Yes, Angela's baking factory is making loads of bread these days.) From upstairs, we hear

**SOUND:** "PREACHER MAN" by Bananarama

We **ZOOM OUT** until, at one point, the phone starts ringing. **CUT TO THE KITCHEN DOOR.** ENTER TONY. He walks over to the phone, lays his hand on the receiver and shouts

TONY  
Sam! Could you please turn that down ?!

Nothing happens.

TONY  
Thanks. Good girl.

He lifts up the receiver, in a bad mood.

TONY  
Bower residence, Tony here.

We can hear some fast babbling from the earpiece, but the words are indistinguishable. Not so for Tony, obviously. His facial expression would let us assume that he either just learned that he won the national lottery (knowing that he threw away the coupon), or that an old friend from his time in New York just contacted him after many years of silence to remind him of a personal IOU.

TONY  
Hey-oh, Joey...yo, yo, hold your horses, I...no...no, that ain't right, and you know it...  
I don't care, it's long gone, those days are over...I...oh, wait a second, will you...

He puts the receiver to his chest and shouts very loudly

TONY  
Sam, turn it off, or I'll do it, you got it !?

The music stops almost immediately. With the offspring, it's all about volume, it appears. TONY resumes his conversation with whoever's on the other end of the line. **CUT TO THE STAIRS.** We see SAMANTHA halfway down, obviously alerted by her father's bad mood. She's as beautiful as ever, yet something in her face tells us that she's cried more salty tears of pain than sweet tears of joy lately. She listens in on the phone conversation.

TONY  
Joey, paesano. Okay. I'll come to New York tomorrow, what about that !? No, you ain't comin' here...

SAM suddenly lightens up, jumps down the stairs, and over to join her father at the phone.

SAM  
Uncle Joey ?! It's Uncle Joey ?! Can I talk to him ?

  
TONY  
No!

SAM pushes the handsfree button on the phone.

SAM  
Hi, Uncle Joey!

TONY disables handsfree again.

TONY  
Yeah, Joey, it's Samantha...Hey, where are your manners, you don't ask a woman about her age... 

SAM  
_(loudly)_  
I'm twenty-one now, Uncle Joey.

TONY  
Alright, Joey, since you found out about my lodgings, anyway...No I did not run from New York, I...

(fast babbling from the earpiece again)

TONY  
Tomorrow. One-thirty pm EST, sharp. One-thirty one, and I'm gone, you got it !?

He slams the receiver down, then leans on both hands, looking down.

TONY  
After all these years. Madonna mia.

He walks over to the couch, lets his body fall down on it. SAM joins him.

SAM  
Dad, don't you think it's time you told me what happened between you and Uncle Joey ? 

TONY  
He ain't your uncle.

SAM  
I know. But that's what I always called him, remember !?

TONY  
Right. It's just that it makes it sound as if this piece of human _immondizia_ was a part of the family.

SAM  
Dad. You're using Italian invectives.

TONY and SAM look at each other. Another father-daughter moment coming up ?

SAM  
Ne vogliamo parlare ?

TONY smiles. Another _Italian_ father-daughter moment coming up.

TONY  
Okay. But you're not gonna like it.  
(beat)  
You know that we left Brooklyn to get you a better future, right !?  
Well. That was the most important reason. But it wasn't the only reason.

He looks away. We grant them the privacy they obviously deserve.

**END OF PRELUDE  
DISSOLVE TO** **MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE**

**MAIN TITLES**

**ACT I / SCENE I  
FADE IN TO  
INT. THE BOWER LIVING-ROOM**

We see the front door, and we hear the bell ring. ENTER TONY from the kitchen. He walks over to the front door, the constantly ringing bell obviously unnerving him. He opens the door. A man of less than average height stands on the threshold.

TONY  
_(rather coolly)_  
Hi, Joey. 

JOEY  
Hi, Micelli. One-thirty in the pm, what do you say !? This pinpoint precision, or what ?  
I'm telling you, it's the sound of the atom splitting, you get it !?

JOEY is one of those people who speak in a fashion which would indicate they consider every word a possible last one. In plain English: He talks fast. TONY, already annoyed, closes the door behind JOEY and leads the way to the kitchen.

JOEY  
Hey, Big M, nice place you got here. Properly insured, I hope.  
I mean, you know me, Micelli, I can arrange everything, okay !?  
Okay, okay. Here's the idea, homeboy...

TONY stops, turns to JOEY, who narrowly avoids bumping into him.

TONY  
_(aggressively)_  
Hey! I ain't your homeboy, you got it, pal !? 

JOEY  
Okay. Okay. No homeboy. I got it. Okay. Course not.  
I mean, this ain't the Apollo Theater, right ?

He laughs as if he seriously believes this is funny. TONY gives him a warning stare.

JOEY  
Okay. Uptown etiquette. I got it. I know all the routine. Clinton runs the show now. Okay. I'll behave.

They continue towards the kitchen.

**ACT I / SCENE II**  
**SLAM CUT TO**  
**INT. THE KITCHEN**

We see ANGELA sitting at the table, having a cup of coffee and reading the Wall Street Journal. ENTER TONY and JOEY from the living-room door.

JOEY  
_(blatantly)_  
Who's she ? 

TONY  
Remember I said "Bower residence" on the phone ? Meet the owner.

JOEY  
_(businesslike, but fast)_  
Mrs Bower. Nice meetin' you. I'm Giovanni di Lorenzo of New York City; if people have a problem and  
don't wanna talk to the police, they wanna talk to me. Friends call me Joey, how ya doin' ?

ANGELA, seemingly unimpressed, gets up. She's considerably taller than JOEY and gives him a downward glance.

ANGELA  
Hi, Giovanni.

EXIT ANGELA through the living-room door, including coffee and newspaper. TONY and JOEY sit down.

JOEY  
Where'd you get _her_ from ? Put an ad in the paper, or what ? Hey, she pronounced my name pretty good.  
You sure that blonde is real ? I mean, she might be Italian. 

TONY  
Joey, shut up.

JOEY  
Did you tell her about...you know...what happened ?

TONY  
Some of it. Not all, 'cause if I did, she'd kill me.  
_(as an afterthought)_  
And then she'd go to work on me.

JOEY  
Whoa. Some broad. You sure she's not Italian ?

TONY  
Trust me. Her Italian is abysmal.

JOEY  
So's yours. Or are you trying to tell me you've managed to improve on that ?

ENTER SAM from the living-room. She immediately recognizes JOEY, just as he immediately recognizes her. JOEY gets up, and the two of them embrace tightly, beaming with joy.

JOEY  
Sambina! 

SAM  
Uncle Joey! You still recognize me ? It's been such a long time.

JOEY  
Hey, you kiddin' me, or what ? Okay. You've grown up, but now you look  
even more like your mother, there's no mistaking it. Right, Micelli ? Just like Marie.

TONY  
Believe it or not, you're right about that.

JOEY  
_(quietly, to TONY)_  
Does she...uh...you know...know ?

TONY  
Yeah. I told her everything.

JOEY  
Great. So. What about your improved Italian, Micelli ?

TONY  
Ask Sam.

SAM shakes her head.

SAM  
Don't ask. 

TONY  
_(hurt)_  
Sam!

JOEY  
Okay, okay, I got it. New subject. What's for lunch ?

TONY stares menacingly at JOEY.

JOEY  
Hey, Micelli, relax. I'll be here for just two days. What's wrong with that ? 

TONY  
Forty-eight hours. Ask me again in forty-eight hours. If I'm able to answer you, then it's alright.

JOEY  
And what if not ?

TONY  
Then you won't have been able to ask me in the first place. You got it ?

JOEY  
Okay. Okay. I'll behave.

TONY  
That's exactly what I'm afraid of.

We now hear SAM'S voice from the off again, as TONY gets up to fix some food.

SAM (V.O.)  
There he was. Sitting right next to me. I've known Uncle Joey for as long as I can remember.

**CUT TO JOEY, CU.**

SAM (V.O.)  
I hadn't seen him since we left New York.  
I can't remember ever asking Dad what Uncle Joey does for a living, but I guess his white shirts have seen  
the inside of many a washing-machine. So have Dad's sports dresses, mind you, but for a different reason.

**CUT TO TONY**, dealing out plates.

SAM (V.O.)  
I was delighted to see him again after such a long time. Dad, however...well, put it this way:  
He could easily have hidden his joy under a thimble. He knew he owed Uncle Joey one, and  
now that Uncle Joey had had some sort of run-in with the Brooklyn _cosca_ and had  
decided that it would be a good idea to call it, Dad realized he should've been prepared.

**CUT BACK.** We see the three of them having lunch.

SAM (V.O.)  
Uncle Joey was to stay out of New York city limits for six months, so he had decided  
to go to Italy. Now that he was back, he realized there were still two days to go.  
Time to give an old friend and moral debtor a call. Hey-oh. 

JOEY  
...and you know what they did to me in that hospital in Milan ? Gave me a lapotomy, you believe that !?

TONY  
What, brain surgery ?

JOEY  
A _lapotomy_, not a _lobotomy_. Boy. Why don't you cut your hair over yours ears, so you can hear ?!

SAM  
Yeah, I bet that'd look great, too, Dad.

TONY  
Eat your food, offspring.

The garden door is being opened. MONA peeks in.

JOEY  
You know what they did during that lapotomy ? "Rectal exam" is what they call it,  
and the did it with a telescope big enough to see Venus. 

MONA  
But I guess all they saw was Uranus.

With the spoon halfway to his mouth, JOEY freezes. He swivels around to face MONA. A first-time experience that changes everybody's life. For the better ? For the worse ? Who cares if it's MONA. JOEY gets up, gaping.

TONY  
Mona, meet my old pal from New York, Joey di Lorenzo. Joey, meet Mona Robinson, Angela's mother. 

JOEY  
_(amazed)_  
Bella e impossibile...

TONY and SAM snigger. JOEY, suddenly the perfect gentleman, kisses MONA's outstretched hand.

JOEY  
Always at your service, Mrs Robinson, twenty-four seven. 

MONA  
Oh, how very forthcoming. I'm just hoping your physical capacities can endure this daring challenge.

TONY  
Mona! Give him a break, will you !? You've only just met.

MONA  
Yes, but he's Italian. He can handle it. And I find Italian men so fascinating.

SAM  
You do ?

MONA  
Of course. Otherwise your father would still be driving a truck through  
New York city streets with an army of cats in close pursuit.

JOEY laughs out loud.

JOEY  
Bam! There goes your image, Micelli. A woman who has you for breakfast.  
And I thought I wouldn't live to see the day. 

TONY  
_(annoyed)_  
Stay out of Mona's reach if you wanna live to tell the tale.

**DISSOLVE TO  
INT. THE KITCHEN, PRESENT DAY**

We see SAM at the table again, writing in her diary.

SAM (V.O.)  
That's how it went. Can you believe that ? The house was gradually falling asleep, and then Uncle Joey showed up.  
The corners of my mouth began to see daylight again. It's been more than a week now since he left, but we're still  
talking about him. Well, except Dad. For obvious reasons, mind you. Here's something I was told by Mona.  
I hope I can tell it accurately, because Mona was laughing a lot when she recalled it. And so was I when I heard it.

**ACT I / SCENE III  
DISSOLVE TO  
INT. THE LIVING-ROOM AREA OF MONA'S PLACE**

JOEY, MONA and TONY are sitting on the couch arrangement, TONY on the left, MONA on the big couch in the middle, and JOEY on the armchair on the right. Holy trinity ? Not in the world according to JOEY...

JOEY  
Okay, okay. I'll give you an example. Here we go. Let's say I work in a bank, okay !?  
Now, Mona, you have money that you have to have laundered. What do you do ?  


  
MONA  
I bring it to you. 

  
JOEY  
Nope. He does.

Points at TONY.

TONY  
Me ? Why me ? Who am I ? 

JOEY  
Okay, okay. I'll tell you. You're a courier, working for Mona.

MONA  
Consider it, Tony. I'd pay you most generously...

Puts up her most tempting smile. A raised eyebrow adds to the effect.

TONY  
Mona. I'm trying to concentrate on Joey here. Hard enough without your sex-appeal competing. 

JOEY  
Okay, before I leave you guys alone in Lovers Lane, here's the idea. I deposit the cash into the account  
of a dummy OFC finance company. Then I issue you a cashier's cheque in Mona's name - minus a small  
commission for myself. Okay ? So. You, Mona, give that cheque back to me as a collateral on a loan  
that I make to you. But you don't pay back the loan. You keep the money. Got it ?

Neither MONA nor TONY give the impression that they have.

JOEY  
It's your money. It's clean. It is now...laundered. Am I an innovator, or what !?

Still no confirmation from the addressees.

JOEY  
You guys aren't too bright, are you !? 

MONA  
You're a cheat, Joey.

JOEY  
Come on. Everybody cheats a little bit. Remember the Nixon administration ? Those guys from Texas ?

TONY  
Remember Al Capone, that guy from Chicago ?

JOEY  
That was in the Twenties.

TONY  
_(looking at his watch)_  
Forty.

JOEY  
Forty what ?

TONY  
Hours. Till you leave.

He gets up.

JOEY  
_(angry)_  
What, you're counting the hours ? Is that your way of saying thank you ?  
I took one for you and you're counting the hours ?

TONY  
And sixteen minutes. Ciao, pal.

EXIT TONY through the door.

JOEY  
Mona, I don't remember him behaving like that. Has it something to do with the blonde ? 

MONA  
She isn't blonde. But my red is real, so why don't we...get real !?

We can see, literally _see_, how JOEY feels now. Like a candle when a match is being lit.

**DISSOLVE TO  
INT. THE KITCHEN, PRESENT DAY**

Our diary-writing SAM again.

SAM (V.O.)  
Mona hid the rest of the story behind a telling smile. She'll never change. Will I be like her when I'm her age ?  
I don't know. Why would I ?! I don't even know whether or not I should like the very idea. Well, Mona was a  
young widow, so in that respect I'm most probably going to be more like Angela, divorced young. Does that  
mean I'm destined to follow Angela's path, then ? Not step by step, I hope, if it leads towards the Angela the  
following example from Uncle Joey's time here presents. (But even she has managed to laugh about it by now.)

**ACT I / SCENE IV  
DISSOLVE TO  
INT. THE BOWER LIVING-ROOM**

ANGELA is standing by the kitchen door, obviously trying to listen in on whatever's going on in there. ENTER MONA from the garden door. She spots ANGELA eavesdropping and approaches her. Standing right next to her daughter - who doesn't notice - she makes as if to listen intently as well.

MONA  
Anything of interest ?

ANGELA jumps.

ANGELA  
Mother! You shocked me. 

MONA  
So did you. But abortion was illegal at the time.

She pushes ANGELA aside. ANGELA, scandalized, stares at her mother. She's never going to learn it.

ANGELA  
Mother! Tell me you're kidding!

Somehow ANGELA seems to be resistant to catching tongue-in-cheek use of language. MONA shakes her head in disbelief, then says

MONA  
I am, dear. So. What's news on the Angela Network ?

ANGELA  
I'm not doing anything wrong, mother. It's my house, remember !?

MONA  
Exactly. And _you_ are _my_ daughter. The bough that never breaks. So gimme the gory details.

ANGELA  
What do you think I'm doing ? Sneaking up to my parents' bedroom  
like a ten-year old, to find out where I came from ?

MONA looks _very_ seriously at her daughter. ANGELA bites her lip. So much for tongue-in-cheek.

MONA  
Angela. Go to your room. Now. 

ANGELA  
_(quietly)_  
Yes, mother.

She leaves towards her private office, looking like a caught kid (which, in a Freudian way, she is).

MONA  
_(calling after her)_  
And make an appointment with your shrink.

Quod erat demonstrandum. She takes her daughter's place at the door.

**CUT TO  
INT. THE KITCHEN**

JOEY and JONATHAN are about to do some cooking. They wear aprons.

JOEY  
Okay, let's speed up. Here you go. Pizza Quattro Stagioni, you got it !? 

JONATHAN  
Sounds tasty. Italian.

JOEY  
Doesn't just sound like that. Now. First thing's the dough. Get it ? Dough...

He laughs. JONATHAN, however, looks completely at sea. The joke is beyond him.

JOEY  
Okay, okay. It's a New York thing. Never mind. Don't push it. Go fetch me some flour, will you !?

**CUT BACK TO  
INT. THE BOWER LIVING-ROOM**

MONA is still standing by the kitchen door, wearing a somewhat doubtful look. ENTER ANGELA from her private office.

ANGELA  
Oh, mother, this is so ridiculous. I was a child, it's such a long time ago, really, I wanted to tell you... 

MONA  
_(mildly concerned)_  
No, you didn't. Forget about it. I was at your bedroom door when you were doing it  
with Michael, and I was there when the lamentable victim was Tony. Believe me,  
you didn't learn anything from what you saw as a child. So you may call it quits.  
_(as an afterthought)_  
Easily.

ANGELA seems to have turned to stone. She gapes at her mother. Another home-run for Mrs Robinson. Still any doubts about who's the boss ?

MONA  
Did you get what Joey and Jonathan are talking about ? I've been able to catch only an occasional word.  
Speed, dough...and a dope-pusher on the floor, or something like that...

ANGELA jumps back to life. Mother instinct. She throws the door open.

**SLAM CUT TO  
INT. THE KITCHEN**

ANGELA storms in, sees JONATHAN covered with some white powder. Her eyes widen, and she can hardly stifle a scream.

ANGELA  
Oh, my God...Jonathan!!

She freezes in horror. MONA comes in, understands immediately.

MONA  
Hi, guys. Looks like pizza in progress to me. 

JONATHAN  
That's right. Mum, what's up ? Sorry I'm covered with flour, but Joey's showing me how to make  
Pizza Quattro Sta...sta...something. You want to help me with the flour ?

ANGELA  
_(exhausted, breathing heavily)_  
No, thanks. I've had my share of flour. Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna go upstairs and have a heart attack.

EXIT ANGELA.

JOEY  
The hysterical type. Boy. What's she do for a living ? 

MONA  
She owns a highly profitable advertising company in New York City.

JOEY  
Yeah, right. First joke I've heard in a while that's not at my expense.

JONATHAN  
It's true. Believe it or not.  
_(reconsiders)_  
Did I just say that ?!

MONA  
Small wonder her female part runs amok at home on a regular basis.

JOEY  
I'll go talk to her.

He makes to follow ANGELA.

MONA/JONATHAN  
You ? 

JOEY  
Hey, what's it ? Tomorrow I'll be back in New York. What if we meet  
and she keeps calling me Giovanni ? Major disgrace, you got it !?

EXIT JOEY.

MONA  
And I always thought Tony was the average Italian...

**FADE TO BLACK  
END OF ACT I**

**ACT II / SCENE I  
FADE IN TO  
INT. THE BATHROOM**

TONY is lying in the legendary bathtub, his eyes closed, enjoying the foamy water. ENTER JOEY.

JOEY  
Hey, Micelli. 

TONY  
Joey, what are you doing in here ? Can't you see I'm trying to forget you're alive ?

JOEY approaches the bathtub.

JOEY  
Yeah, I figured as much. Where's Angela ? Can she hold her breath that long ?

He laughs. TONY looks frustrated. JOEY makes as if to peek into the water.

JOEY  
Hey, and it's cold water, too. There goes your image, Big M. 

TONY  
Get lost, Joey, or there goes your next birthday!

JOEY  
Okay, okay. I'm off.

He turns to go, then doubles back.

JOEY  
Hey, Micelli, it's just that there's been a slight misunderstanding down there in the kitchen, okay !? 

TONY  
_(outraged)_  
Misunderstanding ? In _my_ kitchen ? There are no misunderstandings in my kitchen.  
It's impeccable, you got it, Mr Leave-The-Pizza-Business-To-Me !?

JOEY  
_(backing out)_  
Okay. Okay. Impeccable. I got it.  
I'm leaving you alone. No problem.

At the door, JOEY adds:

JOEY  
Hey, you can tell Angela to surface again, okay, ain't good for the heart, all that diving... 

TONY  
_(shouting)_  
Get out!

EXIT JOEY through the door which leads to ANGELA's bedroom (now, of course, being TONY's as well).

**ACT II / SCENE II  
SLAM CUT TO  
INT. TONY'S AND ANGELA'S BEDROOM**

Disaster strikes quickly. As JOEY leaves the bathroom, he finds himself confronted with...well, let's call it a highly delicate situation. ANGELA has entered the room, meanwhile, and is in the process of undressing, obviously preparing herself for some well-deserved post-traumatic sleep. She has her back turned to JOEY, so she cannot see him standing there in the doorframe. JOEY starts to double back, but almost immediately stops again. Not a good idea. Is this what they call "between a rock and a hard place" ? Either way, it looks as if JOEY is going to be as wet as TONY very soon indeed, albeit from sweat in his case. He's looking extremely embarrassed and the sight of ANGELA's bare back causes him to make the sign of the cross on his chest and forehead. Catholic SOP.

JOEY  
_(muttering very quietly)_  
Guess who's having a heart attack now.

Finally, ANGELA slips under the bedsheet.

ANGELA  
_(to herself)_  
I need a vacation.

JOEY  
_(under his breath)_  
Join the club.

JOEY waits another moment, then starts tiptoeing to the door that leads into the hallway. Very carefully so. Eventually, he reaches the door, turns his head and says, very quietly but smiling, to ANGELA (who seems to have fallen asleep already):

JOEY  
Sleep well. And sorry.

**CUT TO THE DOOR, REVERSE ANGLE.**

As JOEY turns to go, the last thing he expected (and needed), happens. MONA stands right in front of him. He miraculously manages to hold back the scream of surprise. Instead, he makes silent gestures to leave. The perfect gentleman again, JOEY closes the door behind him very quietly.

**SLAM CUT TO  
INT. THE HALLWAY**

MONA  
"Sleep well" ? 

JOEY  
You have a beautiful daughter, Mona, you know that !?

MONA  
And she made you sweat. You're not the first one. Does Tony know about this ?

JOEY  
I think he's still in the bathtub.

MONA  
_(increasingly irritated)_  
Is this another Italian peculiarity, or have my moral standards become common value ?

JOEY motions her to leave, and they start towards the stairs. He takes the opportunity to change the subject.

JOEY  
Hey, Mona, that wonderful place of yours. Did you have a permit when you built it ?

They LEAVE FRAME.

MONA (O.S.)  
Permit ?

JOEY (O.S.)  
Okay, okay. I'll take care of it. As soon as I'm back in New York, I'll make a couple of calls,  
and we'll get some back-dated permits. No problem. You know, if people have a problem and...

MONA (O.S.)  
Joey, shut up.

**DISSOLVE TO  
INT. THE KITCHEN, PRESENT DAY**

SAM grins during the writing process. Lucky girl.

SAM (V.O.)  
Some experience for Uncle Joey. Now he knows that Mona isn't the only one in this household who's got what it takes  
to make a pro blush. Okay, she does it voluntarily, but I don't see this affecting the fun factor. And Uncle Joey felt...  
well, "unyoked" is presumably an adequate adjective. Or maybe "off the hook". Now, I don't want to draw  
a picture of him which shows him as an irresponsible person. Because he isn't. I should know.

**ACT II / SCENE III  
DISSOLVE TO  
INT. THE KITCHEN**

We see SAMANTHA and JONATHAN sitting at the kitchen table, facing each other. SAM's hands are outstretched and JONATHAN has put his hands in hers. The two of them are silently looking at each other. SAM's voice from the off is the only sound. **CAMERA moves slowly from left to right.**

SAM (V.O.)  
Honesty is the great commandment of diary-writing. So I honestly admit that I still ask myself the same old question:  
What is love ? Now, don't get me wrong if I seem to be speaking like someone unaffected. I'm not. Once in a  
while two people will meet, and suddenly there's thunder in the air and showers everywhere. Yeah, right.  
And eventually there's a bad cold. Thank you. No, from my point of view there's nothing more rock-solid than  
true friendship, which, I might add, is about as rare a thing as true love. And who would've thought that there  
was to be the day I'd call Jonathan my rock ? Some time ago I wrote about him having the Marshall plan for the  
reconstruction of my collapsed life.Well, to put it on a smaller scale: He glued the pieces and now I'm china in his hands.  
Perhaps I'm unaware of what I have put upon myself, but, Heaven help me, I feel safe. Little Samantha Micelli dares  
dreaming the impossible again: No more shattered hopes. And nobody can make this simple fact sound more complicated  
than Uncle Joey. Here's what he had to say about it, and I reckon there's more between his lines than you'd first think.

**CUT BACK.**

SAM  
You sure this works ? 

JONATHAN  
Remember I said "Don't speak" ? Now I'm sure it _won't_ work.

They pull back their hands.

SAM  
It wouldn't have, anyway. The only energy I felt flowing was the sweat on our hands.

She dries her hands on her trousers.

JONATHAN  
You know, that's when I like you best, Sam; when you're so overtly romantic.  
I think I'd better return to the pizza business.

**CUT TO THE DOOR.** ENTER MONA and JOEY.

JOEY  
Mona, believe me, it's just a slight misunderstanding, hey, you're not really under the impression that I...

MONA stops and turns around to face JOEY with a mustering glance. SAM and JONATHAN look at him, too. He takes a look at all three of them, one after another.

JOEY  
I, uhm...oh, come on, Mona, give me a break, okay...

MONA turns around again and walks out the door towards her place. At the garden door, JOEY calls after her.

JOEY  
And remember to look up that permit. If there isn't one, call me, okay !?

He closes the door, then turns to JONATHAN and SAM.

JOEY  
So. Everything sorted out, let's get back to the pizza. 

JONATHAN  
Uhm, Sam came in...We were having some kind of private conversation.

JOEY sits down between them.

JOEY  
Okay, I'm here. Let's hear it.

He looks alternately at the two of the them. SAM is fighting hard not to laugh out loud, JONATHAN wears an indistinguishable look.

SAM (V.O.)  
I decided to go ahead and tell him. For no reason I could give I thought maybe he could add something valuable  
to the whole thing. So he learned from us what had happened after my emotional Hiroshima with Hank.

We see JOEY listening intently as SAM and JONATHAN are talking to him. We continue to hear SAM's voice from the off.

SAM (V.O.)  
Retelling the story alone made me feel better, not least because I found myself able to do so without any crying.  
Isn't this bizarre ?! The two people I've entrusted with my innermost pains are the cockroach Jonathan (substitute  
brother turned real-life friend) and the fallen-from-grace _pezzonovante_ Joey di Lorenzo whom I hadn't  
seen since childhood. Bizarre, yes, but somehow it felt right. It still does. I have no reason to regret my choice. 

JONATHAN  
And all that wouldn't have happened if Sam hadn't married this geek head over heels.

SAM  
_(angry)_  
A _Greek_, not a _geek_, you dasp.

JONATHAN  
What's a dasp ?

SAM  
_(even angrier)_  
A Dead Anglo-Saxon Protestant!

JONATHAN  
Is this a dead end, or what ?!

JOEY  
No. It's a detour, you get it !?

Neither SAM nor JONATHAN seem to "get it". Déjà vu.

JOEY  
Okay, okay. I'll tell you. Here you go.  
_(slowly, seriously)_  
You guys are locked in a behaviour pattern which you need to renounce.

He leans back, looking very smug indeed.

JOEY  
Am I a genius, or what ?!

Whether JONATHAN and SAM are staring silently at each other because of JOEY's just-revealed ability to talk in reasonably human fashion or because of the content of his conclusion, Heaven knows.

JOEY  
Okay, okay. Plain English, I got it. Okay. The two of you grew up  
like brother and sister. But you _aren't_ brother and sister.

Again, he alternately looks at the two of them. No distinguishable reaction so far.

JOEY  
You guys aren't too bright, are you !? Runs in the family, right !? Okay. Okay.  
Sam. You have a dominant male figure as a father and a dominant female figure  
as a substitute mother. That's why you married so early and why it didn't work. 

SAM  
_(sceptically)_  
That so ?

JOEY  
And you, Jonathan. You have a dominant female figure as a mother  
and a dominant male figure as a substitute father. But you're a man  
so it's natural that you would react differently. Which you did.

SAM  
Uncle Joey, what are you saying ? In plain English.

JOEY  
Your relation has been determined by circumstances which are now no longer valid.  
You get it ? Sam's personal crisis was the catalyst which show you that this  
non-committal brother-and-sister construction is no longer serving its purpose.

JONATHAN  
Why's that ?

JOEY  
Guys. Gimme a break, will you !? Just _live_. Be free. Leave the past behind.  
Dismiss those simple-minded voices who want to institutionalize your  
brother-and-sister image until the morning after Judgement Day. You're young,  
and you've got your whole life in front of you. _Choose life_.

SAM and JONATHAN are looking at each other like the Sphinx and the Celestial Lion. JOEY gives it up.

JOEY  
Okay. I need to see Mona. If I'm not back in an hour, call 911.

EXIT JOEY through the garden door. Good luck.

SAM  
I should've attended Brooklyn College. 

JONATHAN  
Maybe I'll reconsider.

After a second, they both burst out laughing.

**ACT II / SCENE IV  
DISSOLVE TO  
INT. THE KITCHEN, PRESENT DAY**

One last time our SAMANTHA and her diary.

SAM (V.O.)  
Such was life with Uncle Joey. I've had a lot of fun, and thank God for that, because I most definitely needed it.  
And I think Jonathan and I will ponder what he told us during that little piece of conversation for quite a while.  
In a matter of minutes he summed up and concluded what has been going on in our lives like I never thought  
possible. Dad, Angela, all the others who think they've got our future singled out for us, could best take a leaf  
out of Uncle Joey's book. Make that two. One for the road, as someone from Maine once said to me.

**DISSOLVE TO  
INT. THE BOWER LIVING-ROOM**

We see JOEY saying good-bye to everybody.

SAM (V.O.)  
When he left, I already considered him a member of the family. Dad had agreed to take him to New York.  
I think the fact that the two of them didn't make the air between them freeze instantly anymore had  
something to do with the fact that I and Uncle Joey got along so well. Dad saw that, and the fact that they  
could now act on equal terms again certainly added to this development. A lot of facts in forty-eight hours...  
I'm sure I'll see Uncle Joey very soon. I'm looking forward to it. And the pizza, by the way, was delicious,  
which is the more remarkable as Jonathan was involved in making it, and he is about as talented in cooking as his mother.  
I mean, who else could get himself covered with flour while making pizza ? Now there's a question that needs no answer.  
Right, dear Diary ?

In the door frame, JOEY turns around one last time.

JOEY  
Time to bite the Big Apple again. I love its taste, worms and all. Hey, you guys know  
what's worse than finding a worm in an apple ? Finding one half of a worm in an apple.

He laughs and leaves. TONY, the doorknob already in his hand, looks at the family - only SAM seems to have gotten the joke - and says:

TONY  
It's impossible not to love New York.

Which makes everybody laugh. He steps outside and closes the door behind him.

**FADE TO BLACK  
END OF ACT II**

**EPILOGUE  
FADE IN TO  
INT. THE KITCHEN, EVENING**

We see TONY and ANGELA sitting at the table. They look as if they're in thought. There's not a sound to be heard. Then ANGELA breaks the silence.

ANGELA  
Tony, have you ever noticed how quiet this house can be ? 

TONY  
Without Joey around, every place is as quiet as death.

ANGELA  
Yes, it feels strange somehow. You know, I was actually beginning to...well, kinda like him.

TONY  
Ego te absolveo. Happens to everybody who gets to know him.

ANGELA  
Everybody ?

TONY  
Including myself, yeah. You know, Angela...he made my little girl laugh. I'm still wondering  
how he did that. I hadn't seen her laughing for I don't know how long, and then this guy  
comes along and makes the sun shine for her again. And so effortlessly...

ANGELA  
It's an Italian thing, I guess.

TONY  
Maybe. Well, he was in Italy for half a year, so, yeah, perhaps he  
did bring some spirit of _la dolce vita_ back with him.

ANGELA  
And shared it with us Anglo-Saxons, too...See ?  
Jonathan and Joey left the flour on the table.

ANGELA, somewhat absently, reaches for the flour packet.

ANGELA  
Oh, my God, what was I thinking ?! 

TONY  
What ?

ANGELA  
Oh, it's just that there was a slight misunderstanding down  
here while Joey and Jonathan were preparing the pizza.

TONY  
_(irritated)_  
Misunderstanding ? In _my_ kitchen ? I already told Joey that  
there are no misunderstandings in my kitchen. What's this all about ?

ANGELA takes some of the flour out of the packet and holds it in her open hand. She makes as if to kiss it, then blows the flour in TONY's face.

ANGELA  
Lovers' old-times day...

They smile.

**FREEZE FRAME.**

**THE END**


End file.
